Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
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Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
I cannot call her anything else now
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man