As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
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Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
those birds must be on payroll
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat