“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
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Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.