me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
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My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it