Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
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my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Phones down.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.