“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
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The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
My work here is don’t.