me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
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May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Ghost costume 😂
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
there’s probably a fee though
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.