She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
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Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.