The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
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Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*