[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
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I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3