watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
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[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
The prophecy is fulfilled
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*