What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
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Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Otters see a butterfly.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
I think my mom just blocked me
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac