[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
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Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
live, laugh, laundry.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”