[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
You Might Also Like
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.