How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
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I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
me, too, girl. me, too.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION