The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
You Might Also Like
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
bears
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…