They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
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[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Mmmm canned fish.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.