2022 be like
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Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
*seductively eats two tums*
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.