They are only bad decisions if you get caught
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Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat