My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
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I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.