I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
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cry laughing at this shit
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.