“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
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We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
*frowns in Scottish*
Bond. Trauma bond.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.