“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
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I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
#oldknees
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break