Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
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Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
damn he’s good
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
i smell a pulitzer
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.