INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
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Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
sry
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*