(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
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Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Don’t we all.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
The first one, obviously
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars