My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
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“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean