Confused owl: What?!
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INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.