Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
You Might Also Like
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.