I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
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The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
me: i鈥檇 like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i鈥檓 driv-
google maps: it鈥檚 gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y鈥檃ll 馃檲
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*