me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
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I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Ugh
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool