When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
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Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.