Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
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Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Remember folks 😂
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.