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Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.