Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
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To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.