“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
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It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Perfection.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Fluff me with a fork baby
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
#Caturday
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers