Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
You Might Also Like
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
There are usually two types of merchants.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards