The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
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To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
not to brag, but mine was free
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?