WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
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Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Kids, do not try this at home!
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Come back with a warrant
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
No. He’s not coming out to play
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.