It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
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@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
#inspiration #foodforthought
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Every BBC series about the universe.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health