– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
You Might Also Like
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.