You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
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Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
The French word for sex is croissant.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair