Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
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Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”