Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
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MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
58.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement