the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
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I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
I’m a self-made hundredaire
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
The news
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?