In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
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Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
“HELP WITH CAT”
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol