Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
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WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.