Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
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I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
A game married people play.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.