“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
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No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Well. That’s not a good sign.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
my retirement plan is braless
My Sentiments Exactly
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.