You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
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Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Where is your GOD now????
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
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ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.